From scientist to artist - a career pivot that's changed everything

Why I never fit into the conservation world

Hello, I’m Molly and I write about my slow and simple life in the Scottish Highlands. Please subscribe to support my work and to read more of my stories. You can also find me on YouTube and shop my Etsy Store and sustainable Teemill Clothing.

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

From the age of 14, I would proudly answer that I wanted to change the world. To save as many endangered species as possible. Little did I know that this decision would all but destroy me….

It was the elephant documentary that did it. This was the first time I remember seeing conservation in action. I was flabbergasted that you could actually get paid to cuddle baby elephants. From that point on, I was dead set on this career path.

Even early on, I had concerns. I’ve always had a deep connection with animals. I couldn’t bear to think of them in pain. Whenever one of our pets died, it tore me to pieces.

I remember when our cat, Kitty, was killed suddenly on the road. I’d been crying for 6 hours straight. This was when my mum first alluded to the fact that, if I wanted to work with animals, I needed to be tougher than this.

Even if that meant burying part of who I am.

Additionally, the practical side of conservation terrified me. This was confounded by a patronising comment from a male tutor on a college open day. Apparently, ‘even the girls get to go on the tractors’. I could see the scorn in his eyes. Would I ever really be accepted in this apparently male-dominated world?

This fear never really left me. Although I improved my practical skills through my voluntary placements, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being judged. Not that I could show this of course.

Despite these concerns, I never really considered another career path. I was sucked into the world of applying for increasingly competitive conservation roles. After two degrees and over a year of volunteering, I finally landed a paid role with the RSPB. I was thrilled to bits. Now I could start making a difference…

Its difficult to convey the reality of life as a conservationist, but I think Andrew Painting does this wonderfully in his book Regeneration (read my review of this book here) -

In actuality, environmental conservation is among the most complicated, underfunded, political, vitally important activities that a person can do. Its often rather ugly.

I learnt quickly that conservation is far from simple. Its not a case of saving everything, most of the time, its about choosing what has to die, so other’s can live.

I’ll never forget seeing my first shot deer. She had just been killed (or ‘culled’ - the more politically correct word) and her body was still warm. It was our job to remove her from the forest floor, so she could be butchered.

Surrounded by my male colleagues, this was not a moment I could show weakness. Biting my cheek to stop the tears, I determinedly took hold of a leg and helped drag her from her home. Trying not to flinch every time her limp head bashed against a tree stump.

It was only last year that I uncovered the term ‘highly sensitive person’. Upon further research, I was overwhelmed with relief. Finally, I had a term I could cling too. An explanation for my acute sensitivity, that I had felt ashamed of all my life.

It was the final straw and I could no longer ignore the fact that this career in conservation wasn’t right.

Hiding this sensitivity felt like a daily battle. I was working in a highly political space and surrounded by strongly opinionated men, that took any opportunity to exploit weakness - at least, this is what it felt like to me.

Being vegan, yet working in a role that supported killing animals, in the name of conservation, made my skin crawl. Despite that fact that I knew this was a necessary evil, and a burden we had to take on, having messed with the ecosystem in the first place.

My mind and body were tormented by anxiety. I needed an out.

I never thought, when I published my first blog, that this would be it.

This creative business has set me free. Its helped me remember who I am, and nurture a like-minded community, that accept me for just that.

More than this, I started realising that my work not only added a huge amount of value to my life, it had the power to change others.

Inside, I am still that little girl that wanted to change the world. The fact that I could do this in a way that also allowed me to be who I am - a sensitive, bookish, nature-obsessed introvert - changed everything for me.

I’ve been self-employed for little over a week and cannot quite believe that this is my life now.

Yet, I don’t regret my years in conservation.

I’ve had some of the most beautifully unique experiences, from cradling fluffy week-old pufflings (baby puffin!) to being surrounded by the prehistoric sound of lekking capercaillie, echoing in an ancient forest.

Nor do I feel conservation is unworthy. It is essential and I have so much respect for those that continue this fight.

And I know that, however small, these years of effort did make a difference. This is something I’m incredibly proud of and I will continue helping this cause for the rest of my life. Except this time, it will be on my terms.

If I’ve learnt anything from my 20’s, its the importance of listening to yourself. Not ignoring those quiet whispers from your heart or waiting until your body starts shutting down to make a change.

I appreciate the privilege of my position and realise that this kind of career pivot isn’t realistic for everyone. But I believe that even small changes, so you can take more ownership of the life you want, can make a powerful difference.

We all have the ability to change the world. Just make sure you do it your own way.

Until next week,

Molly xx