❤️ I’ve also never wanted to be a mum. What I have been doing lately is emphasising to friends that I’d love to be part of the village they need to raise their kids, when and if they have them - including things like travelling with them as an extra pair of hands. My godmother came with us on some big trips when I was young and it was fantastic
That seems to be a great idea! I would have appreciated it when my own children were babies and toddlers! Now they are almost grown-up (20 and almost 18 years old), and I can enjoy again something akin to child-free life ;)
I am a mum of 2 and have 2 step children and I'm 33. And of course I love them with all my heart but...I've lost myself. I have horrible guilt whenever I want to do anything for myself, and when I try to include them, it's always too loud, too boisterous. And I love their little personalities but they are the opposite of me. They are loud, wild and so strong willed. I'm quiet, always fell in line and never wanted to be noticed. I suppose that's a testament to me ad a parent, they are so self assured and confident and I'm so proud of them. But I envy you. To be loving the way you do, be assured of who you are, to be living your authentic self as the young ones would say. God, sometimes I wish I had that. So don't feel left out, because I can guarantee you a lot of us mums wish, even just for a second, that we could live the way you do. Your writing gives me hope that in a few years when they are in their teens, I'll get back to living my truth, and happily watch them take the world by storm from my cosy armchair with a cup of tea and a book.
Thank you so much for sharing such vulnerability Rebecca. I know that can't have been easy and its important to realise that life can be difficult whether you choose to have children or not. I'm sure time will change so much and you'll feel able to slice out a little more time for just you :)
Thank you for writing about this Molly. I feel the same as you and it’s always reassuring to read about other women who feel this way.
I love being an auntie to my three nieces and nephews but am always happy to hand them back! I absolutely get what you mean about feeling like instead of having kids we should have a high flying career, but I don’t want that either. I want a calm, meaningful life spent doing things I enjoy with people I love.
Thank you so much for writing this ... at 35 (my Husband is 45) this year we have finally been brave enough to say we don't want to have children after tooing and froing for years and years. Having the endless conversations with friends and family and struggling with the societal expectation and then the feelings of being different, the fear of potential regret weighs heavy.
It's alot.
I have felt a lot of relief since making our decision, and have even said it out loud a few times … still fearful of judgement but sure it was the right path for us.
What I hadn't prepared for, (and have been met with a lot this year) is the complicated knot of feelings that would arise when it feels like EVERYONE you know is pregnant and having families. I have felt really confused about this … was I feeling the dreaded regret? Had we made the wrong decision? Was I being left behind? What must people think of us? Are we still a family?
This post honestly felt like a warm hug and a little reassurance that I wasn't alone with these thoughts.
Deciding not to have children, is every bit as big as deciding to have children. It is so important to listen to your inner voice and know that families come in all different shapes and sizes. We are all different and that is beautiful.
Thank you for Molly for being so honest and sharing this with everyone.
Aw thank you so much for sharing your experience lovely! It can feel a little lonely at times but knowing there's other women in the same position is so reassuring :) x
"we are all different and this is beautiful" well said Emily!! 💕 I am a mum but I would never ever judge my friends or feel them inadequate or different just because we made different choices. 💕
I am a mum but what you say here is completely valid. Having children is a huge thing to do, that because it's seems so inevitable/ normal, most people don't really think through enough before doing it - plus which you have NO idea what it will actually be like! I'd say you've thought this through brilliantly. As for being left out - you will be to a certain extent, however with the right friends, as you can see, this won't be the end of anything and you can have fun being Auntie Molly and watching their children grow and thrive, helping out when you can and offering much needed time away from being a mum. the trouble with mum friends is you do talk about kids a lot and even as a mum, I don't always want to, I want to talk about ideas, life, art etc!
This is a wonderful insight, thank you so much for sharing! I love that point of giving my friends some time away from being a 'mum' for a while. Such a good idea!
it could be a good prompt to let them know you Do want to know about their child, of course you do, but also, you want to know about them and have a relationship with them too, outside of motherhood.
which they, too, will appreciate endlessly! I had a very hard time feeling “like a person” after my daughter was born. It also is difficult feeling like everyone cares about you insofar as you bring them the children, lol. Having lots of people to share the burden makes all the difference, for everyone!
I would add, I do have two kids and love them and want/ed more. My husband and I are in the process of making the painful decision to not add more stress into an already stressed-out Mother Earth by adding more people for her to care for. I appreciated reading how you processed these questions too. Thank you for sharing, and giving free readers access! ❤️
Hi Molly, thank you for sharing. I'm 43, no children, no plan to have any. Like you I am more drawn to animals and my dog is my baby. My closest friend had a lovely baby boy just over a year ago and like you I wondered how I'd feel. He's wonderful but and I'm so happy for his parents but it's not for me. Inevitably there are times I wonder about this decision, I feel like you that I'm being left out and don't fit in but I think that's normal. You are not alone at all xx
Hi Molly! Yet again absolutely inspired by the way you write. Me and my husband have chosen to be childfree and sometimes the feeling of missing out on this milestone does get to me too, even though I know I don't want children! (Ita strange how our brains work)
Lots of friends around me have also started to have children and I'm often asked "when am I going to start a family" or "il change my mind some time!" But for us we know it's the way we want to live our life! It's so refreshing to hear more people openly talking about this and I hope it helps others to understand how we feel more!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience Ellie! You're right and I hope more people will continue to talk about this as there's so many women in the same position :)
Babies scared me and children annoyed me. I never wanted to be a mother. But then I "accidentally" got pregnant (said in quotes because it's never really an accident and the only sure way is to abstain). I was petrified. But, I was against abortion since that would be killing a life (being a vegan for animal cruelty reasons at the time, I couldn't justify killing a baby), and for some reason I didn't want to give the baby up for adoption. I wanted to try.
As the due date got closer and closer, I became more and more nervous and anxious. How was I ever going to be a mother? I had zero maternal instincts, never a desire to hold ANYONE'S baby, never a desire to coo and cuddle a baby, etc. But then he came. I fell in love with him immediately. Maternal instincts kicked in when I was holding MY baby. Fast forward several years and now I have 8 grandchildren with more on the way.
I was a single mom. My children grounded me and gave me focus and purpose. I'm still single, but surrounded by offspring. Just yesterday we had a family meal in which an aunt attended. She looked at me and said, "WOW! Look at attended these beautiful human beings that came from YOU!!" It's amazing.
It's such a blessing to have all this love and support in the second half of my life - when I need it the most. Raise them right, and they'll be a blessing to everyone and a true gift to society.
I think societal norms are outdated and harmful. I feel living life in a “normal” trajectory (Post secondary school, marriage, children, high paying job) leads to unhappiness for many people. My daughter is 28. She doesn’t feel the urge to be a mother and that’s ok. She’s happy living her life. We have to live the lives that make us happy and not the lives that family or society think we should lead.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being that good “aunty” to someone’s child instead of not having a child of your own. Live and let live.
Thank you Molly for your lovely post today. I have noticed that so many young women and indeed women in their early forties in my village are either single and childless or with a partner and childless. They also lead very quiet lives and enjoy reading and going for walks. I always wondered if I would have a child myself but I never felt ready to start a family. I seemed to use all my energy and thoughts towards making my artistic career work. Then it became too late to have a child but that was OK as life has so much to offer and we can care for our pets and wildlife and be maternal in that way. I did have one thought though recently that as we age we won't have our children living near to help us when we are frail. Our village is very traditional and children do live close to parents to help them as they age. I think that life will change regarding this and it will be our friends who will be the future carers. I am so glad that women are able to have more choices as to how they live their life. Being an auntie is great too!
One response I heard from a comedian to the question ‘if you don’t have kids then who will look after you when you are old?’ ....’A paid professional, funded with the movie saved by not having kids’ 😂. Seriously my friends and I have discussed this and it’s important to form those wider community connections and have younger friends. Both to keep active and involved and have that support network.
I’m 46 and never wanted kids. I hated the comments when I was younger “just you wait, you’ll change your mind”, or “you’re selfish for not wanting kids” (um, how?) and “your depression will go away if you have a child”. Again, how?
I know I would not make a good mum. I have chronic illness and I don’t have the energy to devote to raising a child. It’s so hurtful to be called selfish for not wanting children, but to me, I’d be sparing the child a lifetime of neglect because I can barely care for myself, let alone a little human.
Thank you for such a vulnerable post! I'm 44 and don't have kids. Do I love kids? Yes. When my ex-partner and I were together, I played a significant role (guardian / mentor) in the daily lives of four amazing "stepkids" - now 21, 18, 16, and 13. I'm still in their lives, but it's different. Beyond "stepmom," I don't see myself having kids, even further down the road. In my 20s and 30s, I often wondered if I should be doing something more with my life and / or if there was something wrong with me. In my late 30s, a switched flipped inside me - a realization. I contribute to the world in my own way. All of us do. And at the end of the way, what a person or group of people think about my decision / path is really about them and none of my business.
You're welcome, Molly! I've had to deal with a few triggered people. I gently tell them (1) that it's none of their business; and (2) that to ask why a woman isn't conforming her body to societal standards is a boundary violation. Simple, to the point, nothing more.
Such an important post Molly. I’m 33 and also don’t have or don’t want children. Like you I think I would be a good mum trying to teach them about the world and connect them to nature but it’s just not a world I want to bring them into.
Hello, Molly, thank you for sharing your vulnerable feelings with us, it must have been an uneasy pondering before hitting publish to all.
I'm also in my 30's. I used to not want a baby but now I want to (but seemingly I need to work on my fertility as my period has been irregular). I honour women's choices on their life, and please don't feel left out. As of now I can submerge myself in the writing opportunities that are best thought alone, and you can always talk to me if you wish :)
'I feel the urge to compensate. If I don’t have children, then I should have a high-flying career instead and spend my time living the hustle culture. It doesn’t feel acceptable to just want to enjoy a slow life without making a sacrifice somewhere'. That's so spot on! It always seemed to be the corollary, deciding not to have children so as to focus on a career, either being wildly successful or going out and saving the world or whatever. I've felt this too, and it has been such a stumbling block.
It wasn't a clear cut certainty for me, as a child I disliked dolls and prefered my animal toys, as a young person I didn't particularly want children for a long time, then for a bit I thought maybe I might, but then it just didn't turn out that way, for various reasons. I can't say I've never had a moment's doubt, sadness or or FOMO, but in the end I don't regret not having children. But I do regret the time I spent feeling uncomfortable about it, wondering if and when I'd regret it, feeling that I had to apologise or justify or compensate, that I was of lesser value, that I would never be a fully paid-up adult, etc etc. Now I look back and realise my life has had plenty of value, and still does, I wish I'd had more confidence about that long ago. The feeling of being left out of the motherhood experience is real, but it really does dwindle, I think. In our fifties and now sixties, the gap between my contemporaries with children and myself has closed and become less significant. We can approach each other on other, newer terms.
I would say though, that there is also no obligation to compensate with other people's children. I am the youngest of six children and a biological aunt ten times over, starting from a very young age when I really gave the matter no thought, holding, feeding, amusing, minding and running after young children, then being a (sometimes bossy) friend to teenagers, was just what I did. (They do say that younger siblings of larger families often feel less urge to have their own, perhaps because of this experience). I've enjoyed being a 'universal aunt' to many more children, but these relationships can't be forced and will come and go, and must be allowed to do so without guilt or clinging. Life brings many changes, other people's decision to have children is their responsibility, and one can't love or form bonds with other people's children to order.
Now too, the conviction that bringing children into the world as it is now is questionable to the point of irresponsible, for their sake and for the planet's, has become much more real to me.
I'm so glad you wrote this, Molly, and made it freely available. You've said so much so succinctly and eloquently, and the discussion is still so important. Thank you.
❤️ I’ve also never wanted to be a mum. What I have been doing lately is emphasising to friends that I’d love to be part of the village they need to raise their kids, when and if they have them - including things like travelling with them as an extra pair of hands. My godmother came with us on some big trips when I was young and it was fantastic
I love this idea! Thank you so much for sharing :)
That seems to be a great idea! I would have appreciated it when my own children were babies and toddlers! Now they are almost grown-up (20 and almost 18 years old), and I can enjoy again something akin to child-free life ;)
I am a mum of 2 and have 2 step children and I'm 33. And of course I love them with all my heart but...I've lost myself. I have horrible guilt whenever I want to do anything for myself, and when I try to include them, it's always too loud, too boisterous. And I love their little personalities but they are the opposite of me. They are loud, wild and so strong willed. I'm quiet, always fell in line and never wanted to be noticed. I suppose that's a testament to me ad a parent, they are so self assured and confident and I'm so proud of them. But I envy you. To be loving the way you do, be assured of who you are, to be living your authentic self as the young ones would say. God, sometimes I wish I had that. So don't feel left out, because I can guarantee you a lot of us mums wish, even just for a second, that we could live the way you do. Your writing gives me hope that in a few years when they are in their teens, I'll get back to living my truth, and happily watch them take the world by storm from my cosy armchair with a cup of tea and a book.
Thank you so much for sharing such vulnerability Rebecca. I know that can't have been easy and its important to realise that life can be difficult whether you choose to have children or not. I'm sure time will change so much and you'll feel able to slice out a little more time for just you :)
Thank you for writing about this Molly. I feel the same as you and it’s always reassuring to read about other women who feel this way.
I love being an auntie to my three nieces and nephews but am always happy to hand them back! I absolutely get what you mean about feeling like instead of having kids we should have a high flying career, but I don’t want that either. I want a calm, meaningful life spent doing things I enjoy with people I love.
Have a good Monday ☺️x
Thank you so much for your comment Hannah! :)
Thank you so much for writing this ... at 35 (my Husband is 45) this year we have finally been brave enough to say we don't want to have children after tooing and froing for years and years. Having the endless conversations with friends and family and struggling with the societal expectation and then the feelings of being different, the fear of potential regret weighs heavy.
It's alot.
I have felt a lot of relief since making our decision, and have even said it out loud a few times … still fearful of judgement but sure it was the right path for us.
What I hadn't prepared for, (and have been met with a lot this year) is the complicated knot of feelings that would arise when it feels like EVERYONE you know is pregnant and having families. I have felt really confused about this … was I feeling the dreaded regret? Had we made the wrong decision? Was I being left behind? What must people think of us? Are we still a family?
This post honestly felt like a warm hug and a little reassurance that I wasn't alone with these thoughts.
Deciding not to have children, is every bit as big as deciding to have children. It is so important to listen to your inner voice and know that families come in all different shapes and sizes. We are all different and that is beautiful.
Thank you for Molly for being so honest and sharing this with everyone.
Aw thank you so much for sharing your experience lovely! It can feel a little lonely at times but knowing there's other women in the same position is so reassuring :) x
Thank you Molly
"we are all different and this is beautiful" well said Emily!! 💕 I am a mum but I would never ever judge my friends or feel them inadequate or different just because we made different choices. 💕
Thank you Lara 🙏
I am a mum but what you say here is completely valid. Having children is a huge thing to do, that because it's seems so inevitable/ normal, most people don't really think through enough before doing it - plus which you have NO idea what it will actually be like! I'd say you've thought this through brilliantly. As for being left out - you will be to a certain extent, however with the right friends, as you can see, this won't be the end of anything and you can have fun being Auntie Molly and watching their children grow and thrive, helping out when you can and offering much needed time away from being a mum. the trouble with mum friends is you do talk about kids a lot and even as a mum, I don't always want to, I want to talk about ideas, life, art etc!
This is a wonderful insight, thank you so much for sharing! I love that point of giving my friends some time away from being a 'mum' for a while. Such a good idea!
it could be a good prompt to let them know you Do want to know about their child, of course you do, but also, you want to know about them and have a relationship with them too, outside of motherhood.
which they, too, will appreciate endlessly! I had a very hard time feeling “like a person” after my daughter was born. It also is difficult feeling like everyone cares about you insofar as you bring them the children, lol. Having lots of people to share the burden makes all the difference, for everyone!
I would add, I do have two kids and love them and want/ed more. My husband and I are in the process of making the painful decision to not add more stress into an already stressed-out Mother Earth by adding more people for her to care for. I appreciated reading how you processed these questions too. Thank you for sharing, and giving free readers access! ❤️
Hi Molly, thank you for sharing. I'm 43, no children, no plan to have any. Like you I am more drawn to animals and my dog is my baby. My closest friend had a lovely baby boy just over a year ago and like you I wondered how I'd feel. He's wonderful but and I'm so happy for his parents but it's not for me. Inevitably there are times I wonder about this decision, I feel like you that I'm being left out and don't fit in but I think that's normal. You are not alone at all xx
Thank you so much for sharing Ruth! So valuable to hear your experience :)
Hi Molly! Yet again absolutely inspired by the way you write. Me and my husband have chosen to be childfree and sometimes the feeling of missing out on this milestone does get to me too, even though I know I don't want children! (Ita strange how our brains work)
Lots of friends around me have also started to have children and I'm often asked "when am I going to start a family" or "il change my mind some time!" But for us we know it's the way we want to live our life! It's so refreshing to hear more people openly talking about this and I hope it helps others to understand how we feel more!
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience Ellie! You're right and I hope more people will continue to talk about this as there's so many women in the same position :)
I'm 39 and still waiting for the urge to arrive. 😂
It looks like your not the only one! :)
Me too!
Babies scared me and children annoyed me. I never wanted to be a mother. But then I "accidentally" got pregnant (said in quotes because it's never really an accident and the only sure way is to abstain). I was petrified. But, I was against abortion since that would be killing a life (being a vegan for animal cruelty reasons at the time, I couldn't justify killing a baby), and for some reason I didn't want to give the baby up for adoption. I wanted to try.
As the due date got closer and closer, I became more and more nervous and anxious. How was I ever going to be a mother? I had zero maternal instincts, never a desire to hold ANYONE'S baby, never a desire to coo and cuddle a baby, etc. But then he came. I fell in love with him immediately. Maternal instincts kicked in when I was holding MY baby. Fast forward several years and now I have 8 grandchildren with more on the way.
I was a single mom. My children grounded me and gave me focus and purpose. I'm still single, but surrounded by offspring. Just yesterday we had a family meal in which an aunt attended. She looked at me and said, "WOW! Look at attended these beautiful human beings that came from YOU!!" It's amazing.
It's such a blessing to have all this love and support in the second half of my life - when I need it the most. Raise them right, and they'll be a blessing to everyone and a true gift to society.
Thank you for sharing your experience :)
I think societal norms are outdated and harmful. I feel living life in a “normal” trajectory (Post secondary school, marriage, children, high paying job) leads to unhappiness for many people. My daughter is 28. She doesn’t feel the urge to be a mother and that’s ok. She’s happy living her life. We have to live the lives that make us happy and not the lives that family or society think we should lead.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being that good “aunty” to someone’s child instead of not having a child of your own. Live and let live.
Thank you for sharing Lisa! Such good points :)
Thank you Molly for your lovely post today. I have noticed that so many young women and indeed women in their early forties in my village are either single and childless or with a partner and childless. They also lead very quiet lives and enjoy reading and going for walks. I always wondered if I would have a child myself but I never felt ready to start a family. I seemed to use all my energy and thoughts towards making my artistic career work. Then it became too late to have a child but that was OK as life has so much to offer and we can care for our pets and wildlife and be maternal in that way. I did have one thought though recently that as we age we won't have our children living near to help us when we are frail. Our village is very traditional and children do live close to parents to help them as they age. I think that life will change regarding this and it will be our friends who will be the future carers. I am so glad that women are able to have more choices as to how they live their life. Being an auntie is great too!
Thank you for sharing your experience Caroline! I think there are a lot of fond aunties on here! :)
One response I heard from a comedian to the question ‘if you don’t have kids then who will look after you when you are old?’ ....’A paid professional, funded with the movie saved by not having kids’ 😂. Seriously my friends and I have discussed this and it’s important to form those wider community connections and have younger friends. Both to keep active and involved and have that support network.
I’m 46 and never wanted kids. I hated the comments when I was younger “just you wait, you’ll change your mind”, or “you’re selfish for not wanting kids” (um, how?) and “your depression will go away if you have a child”. Again, how?
I know I would not make a good mum. I have chronic illness and I don’t have the energy to devote to raising a child. It’s so hurtful to be called selfish for not wanting children, but to me, I’d be sparing the child a lifetime of neglect because I can barely care for myself, let alone a little human.
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles Kip and thank you for sharing your experience. Sending kindness your way :)
Thank you for such a vulnerable post! I'm 44 and don't have kids. Do I love kids? Yes. When my ex-partner and I were together, I played a significant role (guardian / mentor) in the daily lives of four amazing "stepkids" - now 21, 18, 16, and 13. I'm still in their lives, but it's different. Beyond "stepmom," I don't see myself having kids, even further down the road. In my 20s and 30s, I often wondered if I should be doing something more with my life and / or if there was something wrong with me. In my late 30s, a switched flipped inside me - a realization. I contribute to the world in my own way. All of us do. And at the end of the way, what a person or group of people think about my decision / path is really about them and none of my business.
I love this, so true and thank you so much for sharing Alicia :)
You're welcome, Molly! I've had to deal with a few triggered people. I gently tell them (1) that it's none of their business; and (2) that to ask why a woman isn't conforming her body to societal standards is a boundary violation. Simple, to the point, nothing more.
Such an important post Molly. I’m 33 and also don’t have or don’t want children. Like you I think I would be a good mum trying to teach them about the world and connect them to nature but it’s just not a world I want to bring them into.
Thank you for sharing Hayley! There seems to be a number of us that feel the same :)
Hello, Molly, thank you for sharing your vulnerable feelings with us, it must have been an uneasy pondering before hitting publish to all.
I'm also in my 30's. I used to not want a baby but now I want to (but seemingly I need to work on my fertility as my period has been irregular). I honour women's choices on their life, and please don't feel left out. As of now I can submerge myself in the writing opportunities that are best thought alone, and you can always talk to me if you wish :)
Thank you so much for your kind words Sekar, they really mean a lot :)
'I feel the urge to compensate. If I don’t have children, then I should have a high-flying career instead and spend my time living the hustle culture. It doesn’t feel acceptable to just want to enjoy a slow life without making a sacrifice somewhere'. That's so spot on! It always seemed to be the corollary, deciding not to have children so as to focus on a career, either being wildly successful or going out and saving the world or whatever. I've felt this too, and it has been such a stumbling block.
It wasn't a clear cut certainty for me, as a child I disliked dolls and prefered my animal toys, as a young person I didn't particularly want children for a long time, then for a bit I thought maybe I might, but then it just didn't turn out that way, for various reasons. I can't say I've never had a moment's doubt, sadness or or FOMO, but in the end I don't regret not having children. But I do regret the time I spent feeling uncomfortable about it, wondering if and when I'd regret it, feeling that I had to apologise or justify or compensate, that I was of lesser value, that I would never be a fully paid-up adult, etc etc. Now I look back and realise my life has had plenty of value, and still does, I wish I'd had more confidence about that long ago. The feeling of being left out of the motherhood experience is real, but it really does dwindle, I think. In our fifties and now sixties, the gap between my contemporaries with children and myself has closed and become less significant. We can approach each other on other, newer terms.
I would say though, that there is also no obligation to compensate with other people's children. I am the youngest of six children and a biological aunt ten times over, starting from a very young age when I really gave the matter no thought, holding, feeding, amusing, minding and running after young children, then being a (sometimes bossy) friend to teenagers, was just what I did. (They do say that younger siblings of larger families often feel less urge to have their own, perhaps because of this experience). I've enjoyed being a 'universal aunt' to many more children, but these relationships can't be forced and will come and go, and must be allowed to do so without guilt or clinging. Life brings many changes, other people's decision to have children is their responsibility, and one can't love or form bonds with other people's children to order.
Now too, the conviction that bringing children into the world as it is now is questionable to the point of irresponsible, for their sake and for the planet's, has become much more real to me.
I'm so glad you wrote this, Molly, and made it freely available. You've said so much so succinctly and eloquently, and the discussion is still so important. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment Lucy. Its so valuable to hear from your experience :)