Friendship in your 30's

Does it really exist?

Hello, I’m Molly, a fulltime creator based in the Scottish Highlands. Subscribers can enjoy weekly posts around the themes of slow living, thriving in a creative career, books & nature. Members get access to ALL my content, including video tea times, slow scrolls of all my favourites and seasonal book reviews.

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According to research, when we reach 25, we start to lose more friends than we gain each year.

Although we can still add ‘casual’ friends in our 30’s, these relationships are no match to the close bonds of our ‘pre-25’ friends.

To me, this makes complete sense.

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I’ve never been one for big groups of friends, but I’ve always had close relationships with the small circle I do let into my life. Like many, these relationships deepened in my teens and early 20’s.

When I left home for university, my friends became vital. They were my pack. My home from home. An indispensable support system. I spent nearly all my time with them and, even as a self-proclaimed introvert, I couldn’t imagine living any other way.

Essentially, my friends became my new family.

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Can we work long-distance?

Inevitably, after graduation, these close bonds of friendships started to loosen.

I was focused on my hard sought after career as a conservationist, which often meant I was working in wild and remote locations for months at a time, often with unpredictable phone signal.

I met different people and developed new bonds. My evenings were spent pouring over wildlife ID books rather than partying or watching the latest episode of Take me Out.

Although I looked back on these early years with fond nostalgia, I was no longer the same person.

And I’ve learnt that nostalgia isn’t enough to maintain a friendship.

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Do friendships exist outside social media?

When I left social media, I was repeatedly asked whether I was concerned that I would lose friends. I wasn’t, and here’s why.

Facebook friends are not real friends.

If anything, coming off social media felt freeing. I no longer felt the burden of wishing happy birthday to someone I no longer knew, or the guilt of seeing updates from people that I should be making more effort with.

I know who my real friends are. They are the people that time and distance haven’t removed. The relationships that didn’t miss a beat when I came offline. The friends that I will always make time for and are essential to my happiness.

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Friendships are non-optional

We all know what happens when we reach our 30’s. We grow up. Our priorities shift to focus on our spouses, work or children. Friendship and a social life start to feel like an optional activity rather than a necessity.

But this is a dangerous mindset.

I’m guilty of this thinking myself. Of pushing dates or pulling out of social engagements. Of feeling resentful for having to leave the house when I’d rather stay at home. And, worst of all, for presuming that my friends will always be there.

When in reality, like any relationship, these friendships require and deserve work.

My unexpected year of friendship

When I chose joy to be my word of this year, in all honesty, I envisioned me spending a lot of time alone, primarily hiking in nature or curled up with a book.

And there has been plenty of that.

However, to my unexpected delight, my year of joy has morphed into my year of friendship.

I’ve found myself spending more time with them, either in person or over the phone, than I have for years. I’ve experienced a new closeness through shared burdens, been by their side through life-changing events and ventured on plenty of new joint adventures.

Having faced challenges and issues with my mental health this year, these connections have felt like a much needed life-boat.

A reminder that friendships mean far more than a packed social calendar filled with exciting events.

Real friendship looks like -

• crying down the phone, then making each other howl with laughter

• squeezing in a rushed cuppa with them before playgroup ends, because that is more important than the hoovering

• singing along to Taylor Swift with the car windows down

• never blaming or resenting when an arranged lunch has to be pushed three times

• examining every micro-detail of a proposed wedding outfit with the focus it deserves

• happily traveling 9 hours to meet their beautiful baby boy (so worth it)

• reminding them that they are special when they need to hear it most

• sending them a rambled encouraging voice note on their first day back at work

• gently instructing the barista on exactly how to make their tea so they won’t miss their much-needed caffeine hit

• bonding over sharing creative projects that have no end-goal

• never judging their lows and ecstatically celebrating their highs

• reminiscing over past joys, knowing that the future has so much more to come

These are the moments of imperfect connection that make my life whole.

Friendships are messy and unpredictable. Some may stand the test of time, some may fade and others may spring up in the most unlikely of circumstances. Yes, despite what the research may say, even in your 30’s.

It is never too late to make a new friend. Or to reprioritise spending time with old ones.

You will never regret it.

Until next week,

Molly xx

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Some more gentle reading for your Monday…

I’m a romantic, but don’t buy me flowers

What’s wrong with a little mystery

Confessions from a slow living failure