Interesting subject Molly - I think we are definitely all guilty of a few white lies :) Which makes me wonder - is it really all that bad? We are conditioned to think we must be honest all the time, but often we care about people and don't want to hurt their feelings, or we care about ourselves and being judged in a harsh light by others. (Because judgey people often forget about their own inadequacies!)
One of the advantages of getting older for me is really caring much less what people think - but it is still hard to shine a light on our perceived failings in an open way because it can leave us vulnerable. So in a way white lies are just the armour we build around us to protect ourselves and others.
Being on the receiving end of blunt honesty can be harsh and upsetting, and can hurt for decades to come. I think there's a lot to be said from protecting others from harsher truths. Ignorance is bliss - it's why I avoid the news for example :)
Wow, what a thoughtful subject and I’ll be honest, I’ve not given it much thought before. Honestly? I probably lie quite a lot but those lies come from people pleasing…not wanting to upset someone with the truth or not wanting to have a conversation about something so I’ll lie and say it’s fine. I wonder if I’ll ever be a person who is 100% honest but I think I’m ok with being untruthful for the right reasons ☺️ Thank you for this as always Molly, such a thought provoking post.
I personally wonder, are these “lies” you listed really lies? Or should they be called perhaps social decency or even “diplomacy”?
I was brought up in a “polite society” where I was firmly told there were things you just didn’t do or say.
I don’t know the answer but in my humble opinion lies are malicious and often have evil intent however the rest “being economical with the truth” (as they say) is just a part of functioning and surviving as an orderly human society.
(But as a human, I believe we always know what our own truth is deep down)
Everyone’s moral compass is different and should be respected too.
Thank you for being so open.❤️💝You really made me think today! (Which is not a bad thing 😃😄😀)
Hi Molly, this is my first comment, although I've been following you for quite a while now. I've recently discovered that I am autistic, very high functioning, and therefore unfortunately very high masking - which is another way of saying I've spent my whole life lying about nearly every aspect of that life to everyone including myself!
“That shoes are fine in our house” 😄I think the majority of us can relate to this one. I also can’t abide handbags on tables that we eat from. Do I say anything - no, I just get cleaning spray out and wipe it clean when they (visitor) has gone.
Have you ever been told that you’re too honest? I have. I’m a terrible liar.
I grew up with pretty controlling parents and lie about the dumbest stuff out of shame and also because I want privacy. I want some things to just be mine. It drives my husband bonkers especially because I have a horrible poker face. Thank you for sharing ♥️
Actually I think it is about creating our own reality in order to fit into a complex and chaotic world. For me it is about self protection. Critical, I would say. X
oops I can relate to a few too many on your list there😅 the shoes on in the house are fine and lying about your age when it comes to childhood stories are too real! thank you for being so open, I am a little relieved haha
About 20 years ago I decided never to lie or pretend to anyone or anything. The result was most people avoided me.
It’s a lonely life being totally honest all the time. However the consolation is the inner feeling that comes, strengthens all that life throws at you.
How many of our lies are told because of our fear of socieity’s expectations and a fear of being judged? I’ve definitely found that with maturity comes a confidence to decide that I don’t agree with many societal ‘norms’ and actually - being different is ok. My dog sleeps in bed with me and licks my dinner plate fairly regularly 😀…😱…I do wash them well afterwards though!!! 😂
I hope you get there, because I speak from experience: it’s so freeing to generally just be like “because I don’t want to.”
In the pilot episode of Friends, Phoebe says she doesn’t have plans for the evening, Ross is setting up furniture in his new apartment after the divorce, and the boys ask her if she wants help. She says no. They ask why? She says because i don’t want to.
And Source help me, I’ve been striving for that level of comfort in being direct for more than 20 years! I’ve come quite close, I think, and what I’ve found, is that the way to get there is through some massive self acceptance, healing from shame and social expectations, and coming into radical authenticity. Not everyone will like it. And it’s not an easy journey. For me it’s been crucial.
As far as the whole white vs black lie, I’m personally loath to assign white as good or harmless and black as bad or scary these days. I believe too firmly in the implication of language on systemic beliefs and attitudes. But contouring the truth (I love how you said that here) in the situations you describe are probably only harming you more than anyone else.
Interesting subject Molly - I think we are definitely all guilty of a few white lies :) Which makes me wonder - is it really all that bad? We are conditioned to think we must be honest all the time, but often we care about people and don't want to hurt their feelings, or we care about ourselves and being judged in a harsh light by others. (Because judgey people often forget about their own inadequacies!)
One of the advantages of getting older for me is really caring much less what people think - but it is still hard to shine a light on our perceived failings in an open way because it can leave us vulnerable. So in a way white lies are just the armour we build around us to protect ourselves and others.
Being on the receiving end of blunt honesty can be harsh and upsetting, and can hurt for decades to come. I think there's a lot to be said from protecting others from harsher truths. Ignorance is bliss - it's why I avoid the news for example :)
Very wise words Rowena :)
I really like your take Rowena !!
And the irony is that in exploring this topic, you're being deeply honest with yourself and others!!
Yes, that was an indirect result, but not a bad one I think!
So true!
Wow, what a thoughtful subject and I’ll be honest, I’ve not given it much thought before. Honestly? I probably lie quite a lot but those lies come from people pleasing…not wanting to upset someone with the truth or not wanting to have a conversation about something so I’ll lie and say it’s fine. I wonder if I’ll ever be a person who is 100% honest but I think I’m ok with being untruthful for the right reasons ☺️ Thank you for this as always Molly, such a thought provoking post.
Thank you for sharing Rhiannon! :)
Such a honest, genuine and candid article.
I personally wonder, are these “lies” you listed really lies? Or should they be called perhaps social decency or even “diplomacy”?
I was brought up in a “polite society” where I was firmly told there were things you just didn’t do or say.
I don’t know the answer but in my humble opinion lies are malicious and often have evil intent however the rest “being economical with the truth” (as they say) is just a part of functioning and surviving as an orderly human society.
(But as a human, I believe we always know what our own truth is deep down)
Everyone’s moral compass is different and should be respected too.
Thank you for being so open.❤️💝You really made me think today! (Which is not a bad thing 😃😄😀)
Thank you love!
Hi Molly, this is my first comment, although I've been following you for quite a while now. I've recently discovered that I am autistic, very high functioning, and therefore unfortunately very high masking - which is another way of saying I've spent my whole life lying about nearly every aspect of that life to everyone including myself!
Thank you for your honesty, hon.
Hi Debbie, thank you for sharing! I really appreciate your comment :)
What a really candid post, which I can very much relate to!
I do hope become that outspoken person as I get older as well.
Thank you Molly for your authenticity and honesty. I so appreciate what you have written and your clarity 🌸
Thank you for this honest post, for being so open!
“That shoes are fine in our house” 😄I think the majority of us can relate to this one. I also can’t abide handbags on tables that we eat from. Do I say anything - no, I just get cleaning spray out and wipe it clean when they (visitor) has gone.
Have you ever been told that you’re too honest? I have. I’m a terrible liar.
Great article Molly. Xxx
Yes I have once or twice! :)
I grew up with pretty controlling parents and lie about the dumbest stuff out of shame and also because I want privacy. I want some things to just be mine. It drives my husband bonkers especially because I have a horrible poker face. Thank you for sharing ♥️
Thank you for your comment Tina :)
Actually I think it is about creating our own reality in order to fit into a complex and chaotic world. For me it is about self protection. Critical, I would say. X
Very wise mother!
Yes I thought so too 😉
I relate to so many of these, but my favorite was "That I wash all my fresh produce" :D
Thank you for sharing, you are definitly not alone ;)
Haha I'm glad!
oops I can relate to a few too many on your list there😅 the shoes on in the house are fine and lying about your age when it comes to childhood stories are too real! thank you for being so open, I am a little relieved haha
About 20 years ago I decided never to lie or pretend to anyone or anything. The result was most people avoided me.
It’s a lonely life being totally honest all the time. However the consolation is the inner feeling that comes, strengthens all that life throws at you.
Thank you for sharing :)
How many of our lies are told because of our fear of socieity’s expectations and a fear of being judged? I’ve definitely found that with maturity comes a confidence to decide that I don’t agree with many societal ‘norms’ and actually - being different is ok. My dog sleeps in bed with me and licks my dinner plate fairly regularly 😀…😱…I do wash them well afterwards though!!! 😂
Very true Rachel :)
I hope you get there, because I speak from experience: it’s so freeing to generally just be like “because I don’t want to.”
In the pilot episode of Friends, Phoebe says she doesn’t have plans for the evening, Ross is setting up furniture in his new apartment after the divorce, and the boys ask her if she wants help. She says no. They ask why? She says because i don’t want to.
And Source help me, I’ve been striving for that level of comfort in being direct for more than 20 years! I’ve come quite close, I think, and what I’ve found, is that the way to get there is through some massive self acceptance, healing from shame and social expectations, and coming into radical authenticity. Not everyone will like it. And it’s not an easy journey. For me it’s been crucial.
Thank you for sharing love :)
As far as the whole white vs black lie, I’m personally loath to assign white as good or harmless and black as bad or scary these days. I believe too firmly in the implication of language on systemic beliefs and attitudes. But contouring the truth (I love how you said that here) in the situations you describe are probably only harming you more than anyone else.